I'm still learning

All these posts and blogs about resolutions have spurred some wonderings in me.  Over my last 30 years I've gotten to know myself pretty well.  Part of me wishes I could make goals like normal people do...lose 30 pounds, go without sweets, workout 5 days a week every single week, or get pregnant and know that I will succeed in those goals.  But I know I won't.  I'm not normal.  I'm a special kind of crazy.  Yes, I know how that sounds.  There's no doubting it though.  Those above are goals I've made for myself in the past.  Many times actually.  I've even been able to stick with them for long lengths of time.  When goal setting, one issue for me lies in maintenance.  Just because a goal is set and attained, this doesn't mean the goal goes away...a new goal slides into place or it must continue.  For instance, I've lost 30 pounds five separate times in my adult life.  Yes FIVE. Now there are two ways to look at this. 1) I achieved my weight loss goal five times!  Whoo hoo!  Way to go!  2) I did five times as much work as I would have needed to and put my body through a lot of unnecessary stress. Had I maintained my goal at age 21 when I lost the weight the first time, I wouldn't have had to deal with the last 9 years of yo-yo weight loss and weight gain.    A second roadblock in goal setting is attainability.  Are the aforementioned goals attainable for me?  Well, yes I could probably lose 30 pounds, but not if I continue to weight train.  I will most likely lose fat and gain muscle, which could put me at a 10-15 pound weight loss and be healthier than if I would have not gained muscle and lost it along with the fat.  Can I go without sweets?  Yes, I did it for 7 months.  Is it a lifestyle for me?  No.  I love food and through all of my battles with food and migraines, I have come to believe that it's all about moderation.  Will I be able to attain the goal of working out five times a week every week?   Possibly.  Will I get sick?  Yes.  Will I get hurt?  Well, if my broken finger proves anything, it's that one little broken digit can put you out of the weight room for 3 weeks.  What about pregnancy?  That was my goal last year.  Silly.  Just silly.  I have absolutely no control over whether or not I can get pregnant.  So why make that a goal?  There are things I can do to help, but I can't make that happen.  Only God can.  Now, onto my biggest personal roadblock with goal setting...failure.  At one point or another I will fail.  And when I fail, I stop in my tracks and throw in the towel.  It's mental.  I know it.  When I see a goal, I want to achieve the heck out of it and the perfectionism in me just can't deal.  As I said before, I have gotten to know myself pretty well and here are some things I've learned so I CAN make attainable, achievable, maintainable goals...
>I know that just because I make a goal, it doesn't mean I'll stick with it. 
>I don't do well with group accountability...you know like running groups or workout buddies, etc.  >Comparing myself with others doesn't push me...actually it makes me want to sit down with a bag of oreos.
>People telling me what to do makes me dig in my heels (personal trainers, books, motivational speakers, etc.)
>Rewards don't do much for me.  It's all about personal pride and accomplishment.
>I do really well with a plan.  I love plans and lists and calendars.  They help me set up my days and weeks with everything from things to accomplish, things to buy, food to cook, etc.  Heck, I make lists about my lists and write things down I did yesterday just so I can cross them off my list!
>Meal prep is huge for me.  I buy what I know I will eat and I make it ahead of time so I am poised to make good choices.
>If it's not in the house, I won't eat it.  If it is I'm ALL OVER IT like white on rice.
>It's me vs. me that really pushes me to succeed. If I can make a better version of the same meal than I did the last time it's a victory.  If I can run even 5 seconds faster than I did last Tuesday, I'm on cloud 9.  If I can look at a picture of myself from this summer and see my face is thinner now, than it was before, I'm set.  If I have a deeper relationship with my friends than I did last year, then it's all good.
>Food is a comfort to me, but I've learned and my husband has learned that it doesn't matter what kind of food you give me...chocolate or cauliflower...they both have the same calming effect. 

Reading these over shows me just how stubborn, anti-social and self-absorbed I can be.  Honestly, I think it's really healthy to take an honest look at yourself every once in a while...introspection at it's finest.  But I digress...

Looking ahead and taking all these things I've learned about myself into account, I can now attempt to make some goals for 2014.  They will probably sound pretty vague to you, but I've learned that I don't do well with specific, detailed goals.  When they are vague, usually I blow them out of the water...for instance, in November my goal was to work out more days than not.  I worked out 23 days.  See?  There's a method to my madness.

In no particular order...

Pray more.
Spend more quality time with my husband.
Call my friends and family more.
Send more cards.
Make a monthly calendar and exercise more days than not.
Make meal plans for most meals.
Avoid the chocolate/candy aisle.
Eat more veggies.
Eat more protein.
Up my weights.
Get faster at running.
Get faster at swimming.
Get faster at biking.
Keep going to counseling.
Read more.
Play with my dog more.
Stay off of my phone more.
Doubt myself less.

Hope Floats

***Warning...this is a blog about infertility.  Okay...you've been fair warned.

"Hope" by Idina Menzel

This is the story
Of a bird with no wings
But certain that it can fly
Sailing on love
Into the head winds
Forcing it's way by and by

If only we were
As strong as this bird
Our spirit would never die

What do we name it
Hope is the right word
Hope is the bravest most beautiful bird
In the sky

Hope is a bird (hope)
Flies higher than others
And keeps all our dreams alive
Free of all doubt
Perfectly fearless
Fed by its will to survive

Imagine ourselves
Becoming this bird
We can when we dare to try
And see ourselves flying
Over the mountain
Hope is the bravest most beautiful bird
In the sky

Only hope can light the way
Only hope can heal the heart
Only hope can keep the clouds
From hiding the moon and the stars

If only we were
As strong as this bird
Our spirit would never die

What do we name it
Only one word
Hope is the bravest most beautiful bird
Hope is the bravest most beautiful bird
In the sky

Only hope can light the way
(only hope)
Only hope can heal the heart
(only hope)
Only hope can keep the clouds
From hiding the moon and the stars

This was a story
Of a bird without wings
And rose above everything
Never was giving up hope

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Hope.  What a beautiful word.  A word of promise and dreams and happiness.  Hope is something that cannot be touched or manufactured.  Hope is not just a feeling.  It is not willpower.  It's faith.  Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." It's the faith that you can face whatever comes, whatever happens, whatever doesn't come, whatever doesn't happen, but here's the catch.  You can't face it alone.  Oh no.  You can't.  Oh you can try.  You can put your chin up, strap on your big girl panties and slap a smile on your face.  But it won't last.  Your heart won't last.  Your heart will break into a million little pieces every time you get your period and since you've decided to give it a go alone, no one will know your hurt.  No one will see the wreckage of emotions and thoughts and no one will see the million little pieces of your heart floating away. 

Unless...

Unless you don't do it alone.  Unless you fall into the arms of Jesus.  He will catch you.  He will comfort you with the promises of his word.  He will never fail you.  It will hurt.  It won't feel like you are being caught.  It may feel like you have been failed.  But you haven't.  No, absolutely not.  Funny the way God works.  You don't know you've been carried until you're back on your own two feet.  It's like my favorite poem says...

 

One night a man had a dream.

He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, You said that once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me."

The Lord replied,
"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would
never leave you. During your times of trial and
suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I Carried You."

 

"Footprints" -Unknown

 

Jesus hasn't left me, but I try to take control.  I try to wiggle and kick and scream out of his arms because I CAN DO IT!  I say, "I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN.  I DON'T NEED YOU.  I CAN HANDLE THIS ON MY OWN.  I AM IN CONTROL.  I HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL." 

 

Then reality hits me like a slammed door. 

 

I'm not in control. 

 

I can't wish a baby into my womb. 

 

I can't do it on my own no matter how much my prideful self wants me to. 

 

I can't handle the barrage of emotions crashing around my heart and mind. 

 

I do need Jesus.  I need him in every breath I take. 

 

I would not be married to Tom without God's hand in my life. 

I would not be out of my depression without God's hand in my life. 

I would not be able to handle any of this without Jesus. 

 

He is my rock and loves me at my kicking and screaming worst and died for me at my worst and for my worst.

 

I can only take one step and then another with either him by my side or in his arms.  I seriously would have gone crazy without my faith in Jesus.

 

I'm not owed anything nor am I deserving of anything.  But by the grace of God, I am SO VERY BLESSED.  It's been a hard 18 months and I'm sure we still have a long road ahead with lots of decisions to make.  But God is strengthening me for something greater...for that I am sure. 

 

For right now, I am going to press on -not alone- but with God as my guide and my amazing blessings squeezing in right with me-Tom, my family, my friends, my co-workers and the doctors and get my tests done, medicines taken and continue on the path where God leads. 

 

I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.   

 

 

July it is!

Oh I have so much to tell you!  It's so good to be writing here again.  I'll start off with some updates.  My migraines have been reduced with the continued implementation of the "Low Tyramine Headache Diet" as well as keeping a consistent sleep schedule.  YEAH!  I'm still dealing with stress and anxiety, but I know that's no way to live and that I need to let go of the control.  I've been seeing my counselor now for almost a year and she has helped me so much.  Love that woman!  Most importantly, I know God has it covered and has a plan for me.  Mmm...God is so good! 

 

This sign hangs in my living room and serves as a much needed daily reminder.  :)

 

As for the baby update, we've been dealing with infertility going on 15 months so we went back to my OB.  Tom had tests done (which was a crazy, awkward situation...lol!  I might tell you about it later)  Then, I had blood work done as well as a sonogram and everything came back just fine.  Woo hoo!  Praise the Lord!  Since everything came back normal, my OB put me on Clomid.  From what I understand, it tells your brain to tell your body to ovulate.  It does increase your odds of having multiples by 8%, but we would be good with twins.  You take the Clomid pill days 5-9 of your cycle and then wait.  Today was my last dose for this cycle.  I kept hearing all about these horrible side effects, but I had no negative side effects.  If anything, I felt better!  If I don't ovulate this month, I'll take a higher dose the next cycle and then one more time if I still don't ovulate.  After three months of increasing doses, my OB will take me off.  Hopefully, though, it will work! 

 

So, you're probably wondering why I've titled this post "July it is!" Well, let me tell you...I've decided July is a great month for me to refocus and concentrate on my goals because I have the whole month off with no big commitments.  I can focus on my faith, health and well being to make my body the best place for a baby to grow.  I've changed my eating habits slowly, but surely.   Fruits have always been easy for me to incorporate into my diet.  I eat veggies most every lunch and dinner.  Milk is always a standard at the dinner table and I stay away from liquid calories (soda, alcohol, coffee, etc.)  When I cook at home I always use olive oils instead of vegetable oils, don't fry food and rarely bake sweets.  I've been taking Rex for a walk twice a day each day, doing weights at the gym twice a week, and Tom and I started a Couch to 5K program, which has us training times a week. 

Here's a pic that captures our true feelings about running...hehe.

 

 

My issue is snacking, eating out and portion control.  So I pledged to take a picture of EVERYTHING I eat and post it on Instagram (follow me on Instagram @spicycurrie83) for a whole month.  I'm on day 13 and WOW!  It has really kept me accountable! 

 

Also, I've been tracking my food on the Loseit app.  I've been making a big effort to stay within my daily calorie budget and so far, in the last month I've lost 7 pounds!   Here's a progress pic from 2010 to present.  That's a 27 pound difference, folks! 

Another wake up call was reading the book, Wheat Belly.  I've been avoiding wheat (not completely, but making better choices ex: eating fajitas with a fork instead of putting them in a flour tortilla)  It's a very interesting read.  Check it out!  Well, I think that's the extent of my updates!  I hope you are doing great and are loving life!  Happy July! 

Remember, today is the FIRST day of the REST of your LIFE! 

18 days of freedom

Today marks the 18th day of no migraines.  I really didn't think I would ever say (or type) that sentence.  Incredible.  Now I just have to make sure to appreciate every day and not take my pain free days for granted.  It's difficult to do because everything else in life keeps on going and I had this idea that everything would be wonderful if I had a life free of migraines.  Well, I do have a very blessed life, but there are still rough days and sad days and of course days filled with pure joy.  I go to the Migraine Clinic this week and as I am getting my records, charts and paperwork together, I can't help but wonder what is keeping them away.  Is it because I'm there's no cheese in my diet?  No pineapple?  No nuts? No oranges?  No soy sauce?  No leftovers more than 48 hours old? No processed meats? Or is it because I've started taking magneseum supplements or B2 daily?  Is it because I'm keeping a strict sleep schedule?  Is it because of my counseling sessions where I'm learning relaxation techniques as well as stress management skills?  Or is it because God has used all of these things to answer the prayers of countless friends, family members, co-workers, and strangers?  Ultimately, I know God is in control and He is using these migraines or lack there of to glorify Him and help me understand that it's not of my own strength that these migraines can go away, but of Him alone.  He is faithful and so loving even when I am in the depths of despair and pain.  He is there.  He will never leave me or forsake me.  Even if the migraines return and stay with me it will be okay.  I have the promise that one day I won't have to worry about migraines because I will get to spend eternity in Heaven with Him with a perfect body.  I'm not talking about a bikini body here.  I'm saying there will be no tears, no sins, no pain, no suffering.  My salvation is in Christ Jesus alone, not by works, but through faith.  My memory verse for the week speaks for itself.  For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23.  It's free for the taking if we only choose to accept it.  Not only did Jesus free us from our sins, with His sacrafice of death on a cross for us, but He goes above and beyond to give us eternal life in Heaven with Him.  It really doesn't get any better than that. I will keep you updated on my progress and if I learn anything new at my appointment this week.  Love and blessings to you <3

Happy to be home

Today was the first day all week that I left school at a decent time.  Staying at school 10-12 hours definitely wore me down this week.  It's been one of those school years where I just don't feel like I can keep my head above water without staying until 6 or 7 o'clock at night.  However, because of my extra effort, the next two weeks are planned, copied, filed and ready to rock. 

Another positive I found from staying late this week is that I'm REALLY thankful, I mean seriously feeling blessed to get to come home.  Usually, I don't think about blessings such as having a sturdy garage to park my car, a warm house to find shelter in, a cozy couch to rest my body, a fridge full of food, an indoor toilet, or a bed to snuggle up in.  The list could go on and on. 

Instead of just running through life taking my blessings for granted, this week really opened up my eyes to the blessings overflowing in my life.  It's not that I didn't want to come home before, I definitely breathe a sigh of relief as I pull into my garage after a day at work, but I didn't realize how awesome I have it.  I love seeing Tom every day and being able to kiss him hello, eat dinner together and live life together, but this week I couldn't WAIT to see him.  I couldn't wait to get home and hang out with him. 

My home has been a refuge this school year and I am so incredibly thankful for it and everything in it.  I've learned that just because I am going through a rough patch in one area of my life doesn't mean that all areas of my life have to be affected by that one aspect.  Also, my prayer life has definitely flourished these past couple of months.  I know that God is with me and has a plan and purpose for my life.  He is my ultimate rock and my ultimate refuge.

I am proof that when you seek God with all your heart, He will be found and He will be found faithful. 

Perspective

As you know, over the past few weeks, life has been getting the best of me instead of me getting the best out of life.  I decided that something needed to change.  Actually, I decided that something needed to change like 6 weeks ago, but nothing really did.  I just got more stressed, cried a lot, got cranky with my husband, and threw pity parties.  But nothing changed because I didn't change.  I expected my problems to change on their own.  They didn't.  If anything, unresolved issues get worse, not better with time.  So the root of my problem was not the issues themselves at all.  The root of the problem was me.  The problem was how I reacted to them.  I needed a change in perspective.  I realized that I needed to not only change my perspective, but change my actions from reactive to proactive.  This morning I woke up feeling refreshed with a sense of freedom after last night's Bible Study....

Last night's Life Group was centered around outlook and having the attitude of Christ.  Christ's was a perspective of unselfishness and complete trust in God.  He trusted in God's plan even to the point of death on a cross and praise the Lord that He did because our sins are washed away with the blood of Christ!  What an incredible promise that no matter what, we can trust in God.  We only see a fraction of our lives from moment to moment, but God sees the bigger picture.  Every morning I drive down a road with a canopy tree cover and for a few minutes I can only see a tiny part of the sky.  I'm reminded that my view is so tiny compared to the entirety of the big picture.

 I feel like that's how my life is.  I can only see a tiny part of my life, but my future is out there and even though I can't see it, God can.  So even when things are overwhelming and stressful, I know that there is someone who is in control, and all-knowing who I can trust my life with.  Who better to trust with my life, than the creator of it?

After mulling over those thoughts on trust, I decided to go for it and trust God with my whole day.  I put my day into His hands on my way to work this morning and decided that this was God's day.  No one and no thing was going to ruin my day because no matter what, I can trust that no matter what happens, at the end of the day I am deeply loved.  I am deeply loved by God who is love and it doesn't get better than that.

So, I was talking to a co-worker on my way into work this morning.  I explained that I wasn't going to let anything ruin my day and she told me that she agreed and she has a strategy to help her do just that.  When people are mean, crabby or during those times when you feel you are about to be mentally and emotionally beat up, imagine a shield in front of you.  Once that shield is up, nothing can get you.  Just smile and keep going.  It reminds me of putting on the armor of God, one being the shield of faith (Ephesians 6).  So all day I placed my trust in God, imagined my "shield of faith" in front of me, and guess what?  It worked!  I ended my work day feeling positive, renewed, and happy.  Stressfree?  No, not completely, but the stress didn't ravage my thoughts and emotions like it usually does.  Will I never have a bad day again?  Yes, I'm sure I will have plenty, but I know now how to tackle each day and try to get the most out of life more easily and effectively.  The keys?  Get a new perspective by being proactive instead of reactive, place my complete trust in God, have faith in His plan, and use a little imagination :)

Freezer Meals

Stress has tried to get the best of me this week with migraines, trouble sleeping and fatigue.  Due to my stress-induced migraines, I had to miss my Bible Study, a wedding coordinator meeting with a bride, and a half day of work.  This cannot continue, so I have decided to take action.  First and most importantly, I'm doing a lot of prayer and Bible reading.

Then my grandma gave me a book by Dale Carnegie about ridding your life of worry called, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. Right up my alley. 

 I'm on chapter 4 and so far it's been pretty helpful with giving real strategies that I can apply to my daily life.  I'm also considering letting go of my responsibilities as wedding coordinator for my church.  I think that will help my stress level.  My mom came and helped me with my classroom after school yesterday for 2 hours so we got 4 hours worth of work done.  YEAH!  I feel so much better about my upcoming work week now.  Also, we go to dinner with Tom's parents every week so we decided to change that to every other week.  It was a hard decision, because family is very important, but it's hard to rush home from work, rush to their house, rush to Bible Study and rush home to bed.  Too much rushing in one day.  Finally, I have decided to make better use of my weekends so I can better enjoy my weekdays.  As a result, I decided to take three hours of my Saturday morning to make as many freezer meals as possible.  That is exactly what I did this morning. 

Here's what I made...

8 servings of 3 Ingredient Chicken Tacos

8-10 servings of Mom's Turkey Chili

8 servings of Southwestern Stuffed Peppers

5 servings of turkey and mushroom spaghetti

8-10 servings of 1 Skillet Chili Mac

That equals approx. 40 servings of food!!!  How exciting!  Our week night dinners and week day lunches are DONE for TWO WEEKS!  All we have to do is warm them up.  Praise the Lord for the invention of the microwave! :)

This is what made it so easy...

• I chose recipes that are SIMPLE.
• I used recipes with similar ingredients to make grocery shopping easy (ground turkey, diced tomatoes, chili powder, etc.)
• I only used 3 pans-1 skillet, 1 medium sauce pan, 1 dutch oven (just kept rinsing them out and resusing).  This is SUPER important for not having a hige pile of dishes afterwords.
• I never had to turn the oven on for the stuffed peppers because I just boiled the peppers, pre cooked the meat and rice then mixed the stuffing.  It will all cook together when I warm it up in the microwave.
• Choose one recipe to put in the crock pot so it does the work for you.

**Happy Dance**

To Run or Not to Run?

This week has been lacking in the exercise department.  Tom has been going to the gym almost daily to swim and has done an amazing job of keeping up with a healthy diet.  In the past 6 weeks he has lost 12 pounds.  Woot woot!!!  I'm so proud of his hard work.  Every time I compliment him on it he shrugs it off and says he still has a long way to go.  I think he is proud of himself though.  He should be. 

Anyway, my weight has been pretty steady for the past couple of months.  The Marathon Weight Loss Challenge is now over and I lost 5 pounds over the course of the challenge.  It is about 21 pounds short of a marathon, but at least I didn't gain so I am very happy with the loss.  So that puts me at a total weight loss of 31 pounds in 2012  :)  During the challenge, I tracked my food and exercise on www.loseit.com every day for 6 weeks straight.  Then when school started I just stopped.  I had no energy to even begin to sit down and record every bite I put into my mouth let alone the energy to exercise.  Now don't get me wrong...I have been swimming, riding my bike, taking a class and running here and there, but nothing close to what I was doing over the summer.  I ran my 10K last Saturday and tried to run again on Monday.  It was a chore to run for even 10 minutes so I decided my body wasn't fully recovered from the 6.2 miles.  I haven't exercised since and I feel groggy and icky because of it.  I know that if I just go do it I will feel so much better, but I honestly don't feel like it.  Tom just left for the gym and I have a bit of a stomach ache so I opted out.  Normally, that wouldn't have stopped me, but lately it has.  I suppose everyone goes through ups and downs.  Thankfully, my weight has stayed the same since school started despite my lack of exercise and tracking.  It's probably because teaching is much like herding cats.  You are constantly on the go, standing, kneeling, bending down, sitting on the floor to running from the classroom to the copier to the mailroom to the laminator, to the gym to the cafeteria and back so I've probably made up for the lack of "proper exercise" just by doing my job.  Also, I pre-assemble my lunch each night and I don't go out to lunch so I have to eat the healthy things I have packed for myself or starve.  I would never choose to not eat so it works out well :) 

As for my migraines, they are still hanging around.  It's been exactly one month since I started wearing my TMJD appliance.  I've had 7 migraines, which is better than the 8-12 I have been getting.  I shouldn't be disappointed, but, honestly I am.  This was supposed to work.  I was convinced that this was the key.  My frustration level grows with every migraine that develops.  For once I am thankful not be pregnant because I don't know what I would do if I had to fight these migraines without medication.  I still have hope though.  My treatments just started and if they are already taking away a couple of migraines, then why wouldn't it be better next month?  I am holding onto that hope and have faith that God has a plan for these migraines.  I don't know what it is yet, but I can trust that He is in control.  I've found that I am living in fear of my migraines and I should not fear them or let them run my life.  A scripture verse that spoke to me this morning is "For God gave us not a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control. - 2 Timothy 1:7.  How cool is that?  Yeah.  God is a pretty awesome gift giver. 

So back to the title of this post...running sometimes triggers a migraine for me and sometimes it doesn't.  It's the same with any high intensity exercise, even the elliptical or yoga.  Sane people would just say, "Well duh, then don't run or do intense exercise!"  I get that.  I really do.  However, running is fuel for my soul.  It's my time to be out in nature and spending time with God in his creation.  More intense exercise is great for me too.  It makes me sweat and feel productive.  Sane people would reply, "Okay great, then just walk or ride your bike." Yes, those activities allow for time with God out in nature and are productive, but there's just something about moving my body that feeds my soul and makes me feel so free, yet so connected with Him.  I don't understand it.  But it stinks not being able to run or do fun classes without worrying that I will get a migraine.  Right now I think I'll go to the grocery store, roll down the windows, feel the fall air on my face, talk to God (and more importantly, listen to what He has to say) and maybe, just maybe I will get the energy to do something active on this amazingly beautiful day He has given to us. 

Words of Wisdom

The last time I wrote, it was getting to the point where I felt that something had to go.  Well, nothing's gone anywhere and I am still living life.  I walked in on a conversation at church and this is what I heard... "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it."  Now this is not the first time I've heard this, but it hit me hard.  I know there are so many more people who are way busier than I am and have many more responsibilities so I decided that instead of taking things out of my life, I need to take a different perspective.  My reactions to situations have not been pretty.  I let emotions and reactions dictate my mood, which is trouble.  Being mindful of my perspective is incredibly important.  I've been trying to trust in God's plan, standing up for myself, making an effort to be positive, doing what I can to soak up these blessings and be thankful.  It's tough, but life is waaaay easier and more pleasant when I take a different perspective.  I also had some time to think this weekend during my 10K race.  That's 6.2 miles and 80 amazing minutes of think time.  By the way, I can't believe I actually ran the whole thing.  Maybe I was too busy thinking and loving the weather to worry about the distance.  Anyway, I decided that I want to do things with a purpose and live with joy.  I want to find joy in the good and the bad.  How to do that?  Not sure, but I know that God works all things for good.  Something that also hit me was a question posed last week..."Can you be stressed and feel out of control when you are completely dependent on God?"  BAM!  Wow, yeah that hit me like a ton of bricks.  If I am completely dependent on the creator of the world, then why would I even begin to be stressed??  But how do I become completely dependent on Him?  How do I still do everything I am supposed to do, make decisions, choices and live life, but depend on God at the same time?  How can I let go of the worry, anxiety and lay them at His feet every minute of every day?  I am able to do this sometimes, but then I allow the worries to creep back into my heart and take hold.  How do I keep this from happening?  Well, I know I need to start with prayer and go from there.  Thankfully, we have this little thing called The Bible to help out too.  I think this is going to be a constant struggle for me, but I know that God has a plan for my life and I don't think it's to be stressed out with heart palpatations.  I think it's a plan filled with ups and downs, but a constant heart of a servant filled with the joy of knowing that I am truly and deeply loved by a perfect God who is faithful and full of grace.

100th Post

Wow, I can't believe I've already published 99 posts!  I started this blog on a whim and it's turned into more than I would have ever imagined.  It is such a blessing to know that this blog has inspired others to start their own blogs, grow more in their faith, begin an exercise program, experiment in the kitchen and explore their own hidden talents.  It has been a great journey for me and I hope it's been as beneficial to my readers as it has for me over the past 9 months.  What an amazing realization for me to look back 9 months ago and see exactly how far God has taken me in life. 

Laura's life changes in the past 9 months:

Dec. 2011                                         Aug. 2012

Just beginning to cook                       Cooking up a storm of healthy meals

Weight: 209.2                                   Weight: 179.2

Skeptical that I could paint                Completion of 6 paintings-1 sold

Could not run more than 30 sec.        Ran 60 minutes without stopping or walking

Never read through entire Bible        About to start 2nd reading of Bible

I am blown away at all of the positive changes that have occured in my life in less than a year. 

What a difference the support of family and friends, self discipline and prayer can make.

I wonder what God has in store for me in the next 9 months?  Whether good or bad, I know that it will be just fine because I have been richly blessed with an amazing support system full of love and encouragement.  Thank you to each and everyone of you who have read by blog. You have been a huge inspiration and encouragement to me.  Thanks for sticking with me and we'll see what the next 9 months bring :)

Prayer Journal

So lately, I've been feeling a bit of a disconnect in my spiritual life.  I just don't feel as close to God has I have in the past.  I realize that as a Christian, our walk with God waxes and wanes, but I don't have to be okay with it.  My daily devotion and prayer time with Tom has been such a great thing for our relationship with one another and with God.  I love our church and Sunday School class.  I even find myself looking forward to serving in Kindergarten.  Something still feels missing.  

As I was praying about it, God revealed a total "duh" moment.  As I began looking back on my life, I started to see that the times I felt closest to God throughout my life were the times when I was writing in a prayer journal consistantly.  Of course!  It makes complete sense because it's one thing for me to go to church, read the Bible and serve in ministry, but that can only take me so far.  I crave that one on one personal connection with my Heavenly Father and my favorite way to get that is to write out my prayers.  When I journal, it's very personal...more like a conversation or a letter rather than a list of prayer requests.  God has used my prayer journals in the past in so many ways...to help me get my priorities straight, to reveal how He is working in my life, to increase my awareness of just how incredibly blessed I am and countless other ways I'm probably not even aware of. 

So the other day Tom and I went to KMart and I picked out a nice leather journal.  And of course it is pink ;) Today is Day 1 and I can't wait to start!  I'm making a commitment to write in it at some point every day until it is full.  I love looking back on my entries and seeing how far I've come and the best part is feeling my anxieties wash away with the knowledge that God's got my back and He loves me so much that He even listens to this girl's prayers.  It's amazing to me just how many people there are in the world and how involved God is in the fabric of each of their lives whether they are aware of it or not.  This has been especially apparent to me watching all of the countries walking in the opening ceremony of the Olympics.  Our God is an awesome God isn't He? 

My question for you...Have you ever journaled?  If so, what was your purpose in doing so?  Did it have a positive impact on your life?

Somebody's Got a Case of the Mondays...

So it's Monday so that means it's "Lose a Marathon Weigh In Day".  Well, I was not looking forward to it because yesterday was a rough day.  In a nutshell, I have a rough relationship with my dad (non-existant).  Then my grandma decided to try to make me feel guilty for it at our family reunion yesterday.  Well, I got pretty emotional after that and I am an emotional eater so I ended up eating an entire box of macaroni and cheese....gross.  I felt disgusting and was so mad at myself.  I ended up gaining the pound and a half that I lost last week.  So I am the same as I was 2 weeks ago.  Which should be fine, but I look back on all the calorie counting, running, exercise, self-discipline and I want to scream.  It's just one of those things though that I have to plow through.  I know I'm not technically fatherless, but my father doesn't speak or me or want anything to do with my life so I feel that I am.  This verse keeps popping into my head..."God is a father to the fatherless."  Oh what a comfort.  I am so thankful that I have my Father in Heaven who is constantly watching out for me, holding me, protecting me, and loving me with a deeper love than I can ever imagine possible.  My Father in Heaven is unfailing and ever present in times of trouble and for that I will continue to praise him and will not be broken hearted.  I will press on and be thankful for all of the MANY MANY blessings He has given me in my life.  Tom, my mom, my family, friends, co-workers, a job, cozy house, reliable car to drive, the peace I feel when I give my life to Him and many more.  It's going to be a good day because God made it :)

Oh and go check out my guest blog over at http://www.eatteachblog.com/ today!  It's a good one, I promise!! :)