Happy to be home

Today was the first day all week that I left school at a decent time.  Staying at school 10-12 hours definitely wore me down this week.  It's been one of those school years where I just don't feel like I can keep my head above water without staying until 6 or 7 o'clock at night.  However, because of my extra effort, the next two weeks are planned, copied, filed and ready to rock. 

Another positive I found from staying late this week is that I'm REALLY thankful, I mean seriously feeling blessed to get to come home.  Usually, I don't think about blessings such as having a sturdy garage to park my car, a warm house to find shelter in, a cozy couch to rest my body, a fridge full of food, an indoor toilet, or a bed to snuggle up in.  The list could go on and on. 

Instead of just running through life taking my blessings for granted, this week really opened up my eyes to the blessings overflowing in my life.  It's not that I didn't want to come home before, I definitely breathe a sigh of relief as I pull into my garage after a day at work, but I didn't realize how awesome I have it.  I love seeing Tom every day and being able to kiss him hello, eat dinner together and live life together, but this week I couldn't WAIT to see him.  I couldn't wait to get home and hang out with him. 

My home has been a refuge this school year and I am so incredibly thankful for it and everything in it.  I've learned that just because I am going through a rough patch in one area of my life doesn't mean that all areas of my life have to be affected by that one aspect.  Also, my prayer life has definitely flourished these past couple of months.  I know that God is with me and has a plan and purpose for my life.  He is my ultimate rock and my ultimate refuge.

I am proof that when you seek God with all your heart, He will be found and He will be found faithful. 

Realizations.

Oh wow...so by now you know that I love to talk about myself blog as much as possible so you know it's been a rough week when I go rogue.  The reason?  First week of school.  I know, I know some of you who work "normal" jobs don't get the luxury of "teacher hours" and may be thinking well yeah she is finally going back to work and is just tired and busy because she isn't used to it.  Oh friends.  I really hope that is not your thought process, but if it is, I invite you to my classroom for one day.  In just one day you will understand the complete amazement of watching children fall in love with the wonder and possibility of books and you will have a full understanding of the fall on the floor feeling of exhaustion of getting kids to that point.  I love my job, but I do not love the politics that go with it.  I love my kids, but I do not love some of the choices they make.  Growing up, I had no clue what being a teacher was all about.  I honestly thought it was making kids smile, reading them books, giving them hugs, giving them compliments, making them happy, giving them assignments and teaching them how to get along and they actually would.  Yes, teaching encompasses all of these.  However, it is more.  It is hard.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done.  One would think that the 8th year of the first days of school I would have it under control lickety split.  Nope.  It's hard every year.  I just get better at accepting it.  I was defeated these first few days, but I still have almost 180 days to change that.  As I look back, I wasn't defeated.  The kids do listen to me.  They do want to please.  They don't want to hurt one another...they just CRAVE attention.  I will give them what they need in a positive way.  Overcoming failure is what grows us.  That's why I love teaching.  Each day is a new day to try again.  I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to spend 7 hours each day with these little ones.  God has entrusted each of them with me for a purpose.  That's heavy stuff.  It's a huge responsibility.  I am thankful that it's my responsibility.  I am currently writing this at 11:20am on Saturday morning and Tom walked into the room and said, "Wow, you look out of it. You are still exhausted aren't you?" I replied, "Yep, I feel like a huge pile of exhausted mush."  That feeling of mush is worth it though because I don't want to feel this way.  I am going to overcome this extreme feeling of defeat and exhaustion.  It pushes me to be a better educator.  It pushes me to think of better ways to break through the walls of my students.  It pushes me to push my students harder to be their very best.  It pushes me to love them for who they are.  It pushes me to be creative in ways to light a fire under them.  It gets me past the poor behaviors to know that I could plant a seed in their lives that will grow.  This morning I started reading a book called, Educating Esme.  It's a diary of a woman's first year of teaching.  She impresses the socks off of me.  So bold.  So unafraid.  She stands up for what she believes in.  She knows what she wants and she gets it (most of the time).  She lifts her students higher than they ever thought they could go.  I can do that.  I know I can.  It's going to be hard, but it's going to be worth every exhausting moment.  This blog originally started out in my head on a completely different topic and I appreciate you coming along with me on my thought process today.  I guess I just needed to write it all out.  These were my realizations about my job and I hope that maybe you understand me a little bit more because of it.

Teacher Guilt

So I want to know if I am the only one who experiences what I like to call, "teacher guilt".  Let me explain...first of all, I work my tail off from August through May.  Second of all, at some point over the summer, I am usually participating in some sort of professional development.  This year I co-facilitated our district's Comprehensive Literacy Model conference for grades 2/3, which included months of planning during our lunch breaks, a week of planning when school go out, and a week of faciliation at the actual conference. 

Then I'm planning to go supply shopping (Our school buys ALL of the school supplies the children will need for the year.  Parents give a donation and students just bring gym shoes and a backpack.)  I do kind of love going school supply shopping except when I get the stink eye at Wally World for lugging two huge carts busting at the seams with folders, notebooks, glue, pencils, crayons, markers, erasers, pencil boxes, etc. I see it as a challenge to get as much stuff as I can for the $200 limit.  Yeah, $200 for all the supplies needed for 30 kids (we have a lot of move ins/move outs).  But if you are smart with your limit, and the supplies you are purchasing it's doable.  Anyway, supply shopping starts August 1 for me.  Then after that I spend most of August setting up my room, organizing, lesson planning, copying, making templates, putting together binders, folders, labeling EVERYTHING, etc. 

So.  Here's my issue.  I get about 6 weeks off this summer and I feel SO guilty when I'm not working on school stuff.  For one thing, I want to get better at my craft of teaching so I have motivation to research and read prof. dev. books, but I know the school year is always so stressful and anxiety filled that I need to use this time to relax.  I put in a lot of time during the school year, and even in June with conferences, am on my 3rd professional development text and am in the first day of August, but I am having trouble giving myself permission to have a "lazy day" where I just lay on the couch and read and watch movies all day.  Maybe I have difficulty with this because for instance, today Tom's working all day from 6:00am-5:30pm and I feel guilty about that.  I know I shouldn't but I do.  He doesn't give me a hard time and he even encourages me to just relax because he knows how stressed out I get during the school year. 

How can I relax without the guilt??  Fellow teachers how do you do it?? Or should I feel guilty and be working on school stuff all summer??  HELP!