Hope Floats

***Warning...this is a blog about infertility.  Okay...you've been fair warned.

"Hope" by Idina Menzel

This is the story
Of a bird with no wings
But certain that it can fly
Sailing on love
Into the head winds
Forcing it's way by and by

If only we were
As strong as this bird
Our spirit would never die

What do we name it
Hope is the right word
Hope is the bravest most beautiful bird
In the sky

Hope is a bird (hope)
Flies higher than others
And keeps all our dreams alive
Free of all doubt
Perfectly fearless
Fed by its will to survive

Imagine ourselves
Becoming this bird
We can when we dare to try
And see ourselves flying
Over the mountain
Hope is the bravest most beautiful bird
In the sky

Only hope can light the way
Only hope can heal the heart
Only hope can keep the clouds
From hiding the moon and the stars

If only we were
As strong as this bird
Our spirit would never die

What do we name it
Only one word
Hope is the bravest most beautiful bird
Hope is the bravest most beautiful bird
In the sky

Only hope can light the way
(only hope)
Only hope can heal the heart
(only hope)
Only hope can keep the clouds
From hiding the moon and the stars

This was a story
Of a bird without wings
And rose above everything
Never was giving up hope

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Hope.  What a beautiful word.  A word of promise and dreams and happiness.  Hope is something that cannot be touched or manufactured.  Hope is not just a feeling.  It is not willpower.  It's faith.  Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." It's the faith that you can face whatever comes, whatever happens, whatever doesn't come, whatever doesn't happen, but here's the catch.  You can't face it alone.  Oh no.  You can't.  Oh you can try.  You can put your chin up, strap on your big girl panties and slap a smile on your face.  But it won't last.  Your heart won't last.  Your heart will break into a million little pieces every time you get your period and since you've decided to give it a go alone, no one will know your hurt.  No one will see the wreckage of emotions and thoughts and no one will see the million little pieces of your heart floating away. 

Unless...

Unless you don't do it alone.  Unless you fall into the arms of Jesus.  He will catch you.  He will comfort you with the promises of his word.  He will never fail you.  It will hurt.  It won't feel like you are being caught.  It may feel like you have been failed.  But you haven't.  No, absolutely not.  Funny the way God works.  You don't know you've been carried until you're back on your own two feet.  It's like my favorite poem says...

 

One night a man had a dream.

He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, You said that once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me."

The Lord replied,
"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would
never leave you. During your times of trial and
suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I Carried You."

 

"Footprints" -Unknown

 

Jesus hasn't left me, but I try to take control.  I try to wiggle and kick and scream out of his arms because I CAN DO IT!  I say, "I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN.  I DON'T NEED YOU.  I CAN HANDLE THIS ON MY OWN.  I AM IN CONTROL.  I HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL." 

 

Then reality hits me like a slammed door. 

 

I'm not in control. 

 

I can't wish a baby into my womb. 

 

I can't do it on my own no matter how much my prideful self wants me to. 

 

I can't handle the barrage of emotions crashing around my heart and mind. 

 

I do need Jesus.  I need him in every breath I take. 

 

I would not be married to Tom without God's hand in my life. 

I would not be out of my depression without God's hand in my life. 

I would not be able to handle any of this without Jesus. 

 

He is my rock and loves me at my kicking and screaming worst and died for me at my worst and for my worst.

 

I can only take one step and then another with either him by my side or in his arms.  I seriously would have gone crazy without my faith in Jesus.

 

I'm not owed anything nor am I deserving of anything.  But by the grace of God, I am SO VERY BLESSED.  It's been a hard 18 months and I'm sure we still have a long road ahead with lots of decisions to make.  But God is strengthening me for something greater...for that I am sure. 

 

For right now, I am going to press on -not alone- but with God as my guide and my amazing blessings squeezing in right with me-Tom, my family, my friends, my co-workers and the doctors and get my tests done, medicines taken and continue on the path where God leads. 

 

I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.