I'm still learning

All these posts and blogs about resolutions have spurred some wonderings in me.  Over my last 30 years I've gotten to know myself pretty well.  Part of me wishes I could make goals like normal people do...lose 30 pounds, go without sweets, workout 5 days a week every single week, or get pregnant and know that I will succeed in those goals.  But I know I won't.  I'm not normal.  I'm a special kind of crazy.  Yes, I know how that sounds.  There's no doubting it though.  Those above are goals I've made for myself in the past.  Many times actually.  I've even been able to stick with them for long lengths of time.  When goal setting, one issue for me lies in maintenance.  Just because a goal is set and attained, this doesn't mean the goal goes away...a new goal slides into place or it must continue.  For instance, I've lost 30 pounds five separate times in my adult life.  Yes FIVE. Now there are two ways to look at this. 1) I achieved my weight loss goal five times!  Whoo hoo!  Way to go!  2) I did five times as much work as I would have needed to and put my body through a lot of unnecessary stress. Had I maintained my goal at age 21 when I lost the weight the first time, I wouldn't have had to deal with the last 9 years of yo-yo weight loss and weight gain.    A second roadblock in goal setting is attainability.  Are the aforementioned goals attainable for me?  Well, yes I could probably lose 30 pounds, but not if I continue to weight train.  I will most likely lose fat and gain muscle, which could put me at a 10-15 pound weight loss and be healthier than if I would have not gained muscle and lost it along with the fat.  Can I go without sweets?  Yes, I did it for 7 months.  Is it a lifestyle for me?  No.  I love food and through all of my battles with food and migraines, I have come to believe that it's all about moderation.  Will I be able to attain the goal of working out five times a week every week?   Possibly.  Will I get sick?  Yes.  Will I get hurt?  Well, if my broken finger proves anything, it's that one little broken digit can put you out of the weight room for 3 weeks.  What about pregnancy?  That was my goal last year.  Silly.  Just silly.  I have absolutely no control over whether or not I can get pregnant.  So why make that a goal?  There are things I can do to help, but I can't make that happen.  Only God can.  Now, onto my biggest personal roadblock with goal setting...failure.  At one point or another I will fail.  And when I fail, I stop in my tracks and throw in the towel.  It's mental.  I know it.  When I see a goal, I want to achieve the heck out of it and the perfectionism in me just can't deal.  As I said before, I have gotten to know myself pretty well and here are some things I've learned so I CAN make attainable, achievable, maintainable goals...
>I know that just because I make a goal, it doesn't mean I'll stick with it. 
>I don't do well with group accountability...you know like running groups or workout buddies, etc.  >Comparing myself with others doesn't push me...actually it makes me want to sit down with a bag of oreos.
>People telling me what to do makes me dig in my heels (personal trainers, books, motivational speakers, etc.)
>Rewards don't do much for me.  It's all about personal pride and accomplishment.
>I do really well with a plan.  I love plans and lists and calendars.  They help me set up my days and weeks with everything from things to accomplish, things to buy, food to cook, etc.  Heck, I make lists about my lists and write things down I did yesterday just so I can cross them off my list!
>Meal prep is huge for me.  I buy what I know I will eat and I make it ahead of time so I am poised to make good choices.
>If it's not in the house, I won't eat it.  If it is I'm ALL OVER IT like white on rice.
>It's me vs. me that really pushes me to succeed. If I can make a better version of the same meal than I did the last time it's a victory.  If I can run even 5 seconds faster than I did last Tuesday, I'm on cloud 9.  If I can look at a picture of myself from this summer and see my face is thinner now, than it was before, I'm set.  If I have a deeper relationship with my friends than I did last year, then it's all good.
>Food is a comfort to me, but I've learned and my husband has learned that it doesn't matter what kind of food you give me...chocolate or cauliflower...they both have the same calming effect. 

Reading these over shows me just how stubborn, anti-social and self-absorbed I can be.  Honestly, I think it's really healthy to take an honest look at yourself every once in a while...introspection at it's finest.  But I digress...

Looking ahead and taking all these things I've learned about myself into account, I can now attempt to make some goals for 2014.  They will probably sound pretty vague to you, but I've learned that I don't do well with specific, detailed goals.  When they are vague, usually I blow them out of the water...for instance, in November my goal was to work out more days than not.  I worked out 23 days.  See?  There's a method to my madness.

In no particular order...

Pray more.
Spend more quality time with my husband.
Call my friends and family more.
Send more cards.
Make a monthly calendar and exercise more days than not.
Make meal plans for most meals.
Avoid the chocolate/candy aisle.
Eat more veggies.
Eat more protein.
Up my weights.
Get faster at running.
Get faster at swimming.
Get faster at biking.
Keep going to counseling.
Read more.
Play with my dog more.
Stay off of my phone more.
Doubt myself less.

Hope Floats

***Warning...this is a blog about infertility.  Okay...you've been fair warned.

"Hope" by Idina Menzel

This is the story
Of a bird with no wings
But certain that it can fly
Sailing on love
Into the head winds
Forcing it's way by and by

If only we were
As strong as this bird
Our spirit would never die

What do we name it
Hope is the right word
Hope is the bravest most beautiful bird
In the sky

Hope is a bird (hope)
Flies higher than others
And keeps all our dreams alive
Free of all doubt
Perfectly fearless
Fed by its will to survive

Imagine ourselves
Becoming this bird
We can when we dare to try
And see ourselves flying
Over the mountain
Hope is the bravest most beautiful bird
In the sky

Only hope can light the way
Only hope can heal the heart
Only hope can keep the clouds
From hiding the moon and the stars

If only we were
As strong as this bird
Our spirit would never die

What do we name it
Only one word
Hope is the bravest most beautiful bird
Hope is the bravest most beautiful bird
In the sky

Only hope can light the way
(only hope)
Only hope can heal the heart
(only hope)
Only hope can keep the clouds
From hiding the moon and the stars

This was a story
Of a bird without wings
And rose above everything
Never was giving up hope

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hope.  What a beautiful word.  A word of promise and dreams and happiness.  Hope is something that cannot be touched or manufactured.  Hope is not just a feeling.  It is not willpower.  It's faith.  Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." It's the faith that you can face whatever comes, whatever happens, whatever doesn't come, whatever doesn't happen, but here's the catch.  You can't face it alone.  Oh no.  You can't.  Oh you can try.  You can put your chin up, strap on your big girl panties and slap a smile on your face.  But it won't last.  Your heart won't last.  Your heart will break into a million little pieces every time you get your period and since you've decided to give it a go alone, no one will know your hurt.  No one will see the wreckage of emotions and thoughts and no one will see the million little pieces of your heart floating away. 

Unless...

Unless you don't do it alone.  Unless you fall into the arms of Jesus.  He will catch you.  He will comfort you with the promises of his word.  He will never fail you.  It will hurt.  It won't feel like you are being caught.  It may feel like you have been failed.  But you haven't.  No, absolutely not.  Funny the way God works.  You don't know you've been carried until you're back on your own two feet.  It's like my favorite poem says...

 

One night a man had a dream.

He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, You said that once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me."

The Lord replied,
"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would
never leave you. During your times of trial and
suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I Carried You."

 

"Footprints" -Unknown

 

Jesus hasn't left me, but I try to take control.  I try to wiggle and kick and scream out of his arms because I CAN DO IT!  I say, "I CAN DO THIS ON MY OWN.  I DON'T NEED YOU.  I CAN HANDLE THIS ON MY OWN.  I AM IN CONTROL.  I HAVE TO BE IN CONTROL." 

 

Then reality hits me like a slammed door. 

 

I'm not in control. 

 

I can't wish a baby into my womb. 

 

I can't do it on my own no matter how much my prideful self wants me to. 

 

I can't handle the barrage of emotions crashing around my heart and mind. 

 

I do need Jesus.  I need him in every breath I take. 

 

I would not be married to Tom without God's hand in my life. 

I would not be out of my depression without God's hand in my life. 

I would not be able to handle any of this without Jesus. 

 

He is my rock and loves me at my kicking and screaming worst and died for me at my worst and for my worst.

 

I can only take one step and then another with either him by my side or in his arms.  I seriously would have gone crazy without my faith in Jesus.

 

I'm not owed anything nor am I deserving of anything.  But by the grace of God, I am SO VERY BLESSED.  It's been a hard 18 months and I'm sure we still have a long road ahead with lots of decisions to make.  But God is strengthening me for something greater...for that I am sure. 

 

For right now, I am going to press on -not alone- but with God as my guide and my amazing blessings squeezing in right with me-Tom, my family, my friends, my co-workers and the doctors and get my tests done, medicines taken and continue on the path where God leads. 

 

I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.   

 

 

July it is!

Oh I have so much to tell you!  It's so good to be writing here again.  I'll start off with some updates.  My migraines have been reduced with the continued implementation of the "Low Tyramine Headache Diet" as well as keeping a consistent sleep schedule.  YEAH!  I'm still dealing with stress and anxiety, but I know that's no way to live and that I need to let go of the control.  I've been seeing my counselor now for almost a year and she has helped me so much.  Love that woman!  Most importantly, I know God has it covered and has a plan for me.  Mmm...God is so good! 

 

This sign hangs in my living room and serves as a much needed daily reminder.  :)

 

As for the baby update, we've been dealing with infertility going on 15 months so we went back to my OB.  Tom had tests done (which was a crazy, awkward situation...lol!  I might tell you about it later)  Then, I had blood work done as well as a sonogram and everything came back just fine.  Woo hoo!  Praise the Lord!  Since everything came back normal, my OB put me on Clomid.  From what I understand, it tells your brain to tell your body to ovulate.  It does increase your odds of having multiples by 8%, but we would be good with twins.  You take the Clomid pill days 5-9 of your cycle and then wait.  Today was my last dose for this cycle.  I kept hearing all about these horrible side effects, but I had no negative side effects.  If anything, I felt better!  If I don't ovulate this month, I'll take a higher dose the next cycle and then one more time if I still don't ovulate.  After three months of increasing doses, my OB will take me off.  Hopefully, though, it will work! 

 

So, you're probably wondering why I've titled this post "July it is!" Well, let me tell you...I've decided July is a great month for me to refocus and concentrate on my goals because I have the whole month off with no big commitments.  I can focus on my faith, health and well being to make my body the best place for a baby to grow.  I've changed my eating habits slowly, but surely.   Fruits have always been easy for me to incorporate into my diet.  I eat veggies most every lunch and dinner.  Milk is always a standard at the dinner table and I stay away from liquid calories (soda, alcohol, coffee, etc.)  When I cook at home I always use olive oils instead of vegetable oils, don't fry food and rarely bake sweets.  I've been taking Rex for a walk twice a day each day, doing weights at the gym twice a week, and Tom and I started a Couch to 5K program, which has us training times a week. 

Here's a pic that captures our true feelings about running...hehe.

 

 

My issue is snacking, eating out and portion control.  So I pledged to take a picture of EVERYTHING I eat and post it on Instagram (follow me on Instagram @spicycurrie83) for a whole month.  I'm on day 13 and WOW!  It has really kept me accountable! 

 

Also, I've been tracking my food on the Loseit app.  I've been making a big effort to stay within my daily calorie budget and so far, in the last month I've lost 7 pounds!   Here's a progress pic from 2010 to present.  That's a 27 pound difference, folks! 

Another wake up call was reading the book, Wheat Belly.  I've been avoiding wheat (not completely, but making better choices ex: eating fajitas with a fork instead of putting them in a flour tortilla)  It's a very interesting read.  Check it out!  Well, I think that's the extent of my updates!  I hope you are doing great and are loving life!  Happy July! 

Remember, today is the FIRST day of the REST of your LIFE! 

Diagnosis: Infertility

Oh that stings.  Just seeing those words next to my name give me a stomach ache, but those words are true.  It's officially been over a year and no baby.  I've been putting off writing a blog post for a few months now because, well, I kept holding out that I would be able to share some great news with you all.  However, now that it's real I feel I need to write and get these feelings out of my system.  It's amazing how much I take for granted.  It's horribly amazing as well that you can have everything in the world that you would want or need except for one thing and that one thing can darken everything else good.  I don't want that to happen to me.  Well, let's face it...I already have allowed my inability to have a child over shadow a lot of happiness in my life.  I have a God who loves me despite my failings, a fantastic husband, a supportive family, dependable friendships, a rewarding career, a lovely home and a reliable car...I could go on and on with the blessings in my life.  My migraines have also lessened to an average of 3-4 a month!!!  Wow!  That's a 66% reduction!  Now that's something to cheer about!  I also know that God has a plan.  I know that if we are to have a baby, we will and it will come at the right time.  It doesn't make me crave that control any less though.  I still want to be in charge of my life, but why wouldn't I want the creator of the universe to be in charge of my life?!  Because I'm human and I think I know best.  Well, I'm slowly learning that I don't, which is a hard lesson, but a valuable one. 

Anyway, let me fill you in on the next steps.  I went to my gynecologist's office for a "I'm not getting pregnant" talk.  She was of course wonderful, encouraging, knowledgeable and supportive.  I left there feeling hopeful.  I had to get blood work done to check on my hormones, etc.  Also, hubby needed to get a semen analysis...fun stuff let me tell you.  Lastly, I will need to get a sonogram when we get the results from all of the tests.  It sounds as though most likely I am not ovulating as I should be because I've taken two months of ovulation predictors and a little happy face never showed up in the test window.  If that is indeed the case and the only issue, then I will possibly go on Clomid, which tells your brain to ovulate.  Then wham bam, thank you maam we should be good to go (if that's the only issue).  We are currently waiting for hubby's test results.  My blood work came back fine (whew, what a relief!) so we will set up a follow up appointment for my sono and to discuss options whenever we get his results back.  It's been quite the journey already dealing with people who are well meaning, but ask when we are going to start a family.  I am usually quite blunt with them and say, "Yes, we would love kids and have been trying for over a year.  Thanks for asking!"  This really ends the conversation for the most part.  I have been told some very hurtful things though. 

 

"Just have a baby, Laura.  It's not that hard."

and

"You are going to be old and decrepit by the time you have a baby."

 

It really doesn't help the process to hear these comments, because well, it is apparently hard for me and I am only 30 so I do have child bearing years left.  Both of these comments were made by people who love me and I'm sure had no idea they were hurting me.  So in the mean time, I am trying to stay positive and hopeful and try not think about conceiving.  God is in control and I'd be at a whole lot more peace if I just let it go.  That's where we are and I know God has a plan and I know it's a whole lot better than I could ever imagine.  <3