Realizations.

Oh wow...so by now you know that I love to talk about myself blog as much as possible so you know it's been a rough week when I go rogue.  The reason?  First week of school.  I know, I know some of you who work "normal" jobs don't get the luxury of "teacher hours" and may be thinking well yeah she is finally going back to work and is just tired and busy because she isn't used to it.  Oh friends.  I really hope that is not your thought process, but if it is, I invite you to my classroom for one day.  In just one day you will understand the complete amazement of watching children fall in love with the wonder and possibility of books and you will have a full understanding of the fall on the floor feeling of exhaustion of getting kids to that point.  I love my job, but I do not love the politics that go with it.  I love my kids, but I do not love some of the choices they make.  Growing up, I had no clue what being a teacher was all about.  I honestly thought it was making kids smile, reading them books, giving them hugs, giving them compliments, making them happy, giving them assignments and teaching them how to get along and they actually would.  Yes, teaching encompasses all of these.  However, it is more.  It is hard.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done.  One would think that the 8th year of the first days of school I would have it under control lickety split.  Nope.  It's hard every year.  I just get better at accepting it.  I was defeated these first few days, but I still have almost 180 days to change that.  As I look back, I wasn't defeated.  The kids do listen to me.  They do want to please.  They don't want to hurt one another...they just CRAVE attention.  I will give them what they need in a positive way.  Overcoming failure is what grows us.  That's why I love teaching.  Each day is a new day to try again.  I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to spend 7 hours each day with these little ones.  God has entrusted each of them with me for a purpose.  That's heavy stuff.  It's a huge responsibility.  I am thankful that it's my responsibility.  I am currently writing this at 11:20am on Saturday morning and Tom walked into the room and said, "Wow, you look out of it. You are still exhausted aren't you?" I replied, "Yep, I feel like a huge pile of exhausted mush."  That feeling of mush is worth it though because I don't want to feel this way.  I am going to overcome this extreme feeling of defeat and exhaustion.  It pushes me to be a better educator.  It pushes me to think of better ways to break through the walls of my students.  It pushes me to push my students harder to be their very best.  It pushes me to love them for who they are.  It pushes me to be creative in ways to light a fire under them.  It gets me past the poor behaviors to know that I could plant a seed in their lives that will grow.  This morning I started reading a book called, Educating Esme.  It's a diary of a woman's first year of teaching.  She impresses the socks off of me.  So bold.  So unafraid.  She stands up for what she believes in.  She knows what she wants and she gets it (most of the time).  She lifts her students higher than they ever thought they could go.  I can do that.  I know I can.  It's going to be hard, but it's going to be worth every exhausting moment.  This blog originally started out in my head on a completely different topic and I appreciate you coming along with me on my thought process today.  I guess I just needed to write it all out.  These were my realizations about my job and I hope that maybe you understand me a little bit more because of it.