Diagnosis: Infertility

Oh that stings.  Just seeing those words next to my name give me a stomach ache, but those words are true.  It's officially been over a year and no baby.  I've been putting off writing a blog post for a few months now because, well, I kept holding out that I would be able to share some great news with you all.  However, now that it's real I feel I need to write and get these feelings out of my system.  It's amazing how much I take for granted.  It's horribly amazing as well that you can have everything in the world that you would want or need except for one thing and that one thing can darken everything else good.  I don't want that to happen to me.  Well, let's face it...I already have allowed my inability to have a child over shadow a lot of happiness in my life.  I have a God who loves me despite my failings, a fantastic husband, a supportive family, dependable friendships, a rewarding career, a lovely home and a reliable car...I could go on and on with the blessings in my life.  My migraines have also lessened to an average of 3-4 a month!!!  Wow!  That's a 66% reduction!  Now that's something to cheer about!  I also know that God has a plan.  I know that if we are to have a baby, we will and it will come at the right time.  It doesn't make me crave that control any less though.  I still want to be in charge of my life, but why wouldn't I want the creator of the universe to be in charge of my life?!  Because I'm human and I think I know best.  Well, I'm slowly learning that I don't, which is a hard lesson, but a valuable one. 

Anyway, let me fill you in on the next steps.  I went to my gynecologist's office for a "I'm not getting pregnant" talk.  She was of course wonderful, encouraging, knowledgeable and supportive.  I left there feeling hopeful.  I had to get blood work done to check on my hormones, etc.  Also, hubby needed to get a semen analysis...fun stuff let me tell you.  Lastly, I will need to get a sonogram when we get the results from all of the tests.  It sounds as though most likely I am not ovulating as I should be because I've taken two months of ovulation predictors and a little happy face never showed up in the test window.  If that is indeed the case and the only issue, then I will possibly go on Clomid, which tells your brain to ovulate.  Then wham bam, thank you maam we should be good to go (if that's the only issue).  We are currently waiting for hubby's test results.  My blood work came back fine (whew, what a relief!) so we will set up a follow up appointment for my sono and to discuss options whenever we get his results back.  It's been quite the journey already dealing with people who are well meaning, but ask when we are going to start a family.  I am usually quite blunt with them and say, "Yes, we would love kids and have been trying for over a year.  Thanks for asking!"  This really ends the conversation for the most part.  I have been told some very hurtful things though. 

 

"Just have a baby, Laura.  It's not that hard."

and

"You are going to be old and decrepit by the time you have a baby."

 

It really doesn't help the process to hear these comments, because well, it is apparently hard for me and I am only 30 so I do have child bearing years left.  Both of these comments were made by people who love me and I'm sure had no idea they were hurting me.  So in the mean time, I am trying to stay positive and hopeful and try not think about conceiving.  God is in control and I'd be at a whole lot more peace if I just let it go.  That's where we are and I know God has a plan and I know it's a whole lot better than I could ever imagine.  <3